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Help me...I'm hooked!
Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?For those of us folks who chat on line too much?If there was a group, I would like it just fine,Except that it prob'bly would be here online!Are there therapists here? I think I saw some.Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME!It's my new computer, I've had it one week,Now I look in the mirror and I see a real "geek."Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs.Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!Or better, please Email a burger and fries,'Cause I'm staying ONLINE, at least 'til I die!
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Dog named Sex
Contributed by: N/A
Date added: 5:36 pm 10/12/2007 EST
Joke Views: 5374
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Age difference
Contributed by: N/A
Date added: 6:27 pm 10/12/2007 EST
Joke Views: 3702
What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
Noah's Ark in an apple
Contributed by: N/A
Date added: 6:18 pm 10/12/2007 EST
Joke Views: 3361
|Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple?Because everyone had to go on in pairs!
Playing With Vibrator
Contributed by: N/A
Date added: 6:09 pm 10/12/2007 EST
Joke Views: 3058
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator."What are you doing?", asked the Mom."Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked.His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game."For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing?I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
Red fire fighter
Contributed by: N/A
Date added: 5:44 pm 10/12/2007 EST
Joke Views: 2725
|There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine.Four and eight makes 12.There are 12 inches in a ruler.Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.Ships sail in the sea.The sea has fish.Fish have fins.The Finns are always fighting the Russians.Russians are known as "red".Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.
Blonde and the Postman
Contributed by: N/A
Date added: 5:36 pm 10/12/2007 EST
Joke Views: 2446
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Elephant jokes 02
Contributed by: N/A
Date added: 6:18 pm 10/12/2007 EST
Joke Views: 2233
|What' s big and grey with horns?An elephant marching band!What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside?An elephant disguised as a banana!What's big, grey and flies straight up?An elecopter!What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill?A get wellephant!What's grey and never needs ironing?A drip dry elephant!What's big and grey and red?A sunburnt elephant!What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill?"Pack your trunk and clear out!" How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?Take all the matches out first!What weighs 4 tons and is bright red?An elephant holding its breath!
Your Kind of Man
Contributed by: N/A
Date added: 6:09 pm 10/12/2007 EST
Joke Views: 2178
Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, "What kind of man are you attracted to?""I've always been drawn to Native American men," she replied. "They're in harmony with nature.""I see," said the man, nodding."But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect.""Please allow me to introduce myself," said the man. "My name is Tecumseh Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba."
Pentagon and pencils
Contributed by: N/A
Date added: 6:47 pm 10/12/2007 EST
Joke Views: 2155
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.GET OUT YOUR 'PORTABLE HAND-HELD COMMUNICATIONS INSCRIBERS'WASHINGTON - When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a ''portable hand-held communications inscriber,'' says a Republican senator.
Pig jokes
Contributed by: N/A
Date added: 6:09 pm 10/12/2007 EST
Joke Views: 2141
All our pigs are learning karate.
Oh, I don't
believe that
No? Well, just watch out for their chops.
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Joke of the Day |
Little Johnny says to his mother...
Little Johnny says to his mother " Mommy, I have to go and tinkle." The mother replies back " Would you like Mommy to take you?". Little Johnny says " No let grandma . . . her hand shakes! " |
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Marriage Jokes (93)
