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New rules for dieting!
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
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Contributed by: matte
Date added: 11/12/2008
Joke Categories: Holiday jokes
Views: 231
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow a and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols." | | |  Add to Favorites  Printable View  Flag as Inappropriate |
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Joke of the Day |
One day in class the teacher...
One day in class the teacher has sex education.On the black board she drawsa penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.In the back ofthe room,Dirty Johnny stands and says "That's a penis,and my father has twoof them". The teacher looks surprised and asks "What do you mean,two?"DirtyJohnny responds,"A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sittersteeth." |
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Animal Jokes (382)
